Interview with Kathleen Sullivan (Part Two)
Here's a little bit more from my interview with Kathleen Sullivan, recovering survivor of ritual abuse and mind control. The first part can be read here. I'll have more from Kathleen in a later post.
(And by the way, check out Wayne Madsen's post today entitled "GOP pedophilia and S&M trysts: A long history going back to Bush 41 and Reagan." He releases documents and correspondence pertaining to a military child pornography ring he had investigated in 1984 while a naval lieutenant. Madsen writes: "One note of interest: the 'X' in the Case Control Number 718XNA refers to the FBI's cross referencing file numbering system. The 'X' means that the case is a 'X' case–meaning that the case is of extreme sensitivity, the 'NA' following the 'X' refers to the Navy. There are, in fact, 'X Files,' but they have nothing to do with aliens but very much to do with high-level government officials engaged in off-the-wall activities, like pedophilia and prostitution.")
Could you share a little about how you initially connected with other survivors? And what was that experience like, hearing others for the first time tell stories of shockingly similar abuse?
I first began to connect with survivors of criminal occult ritual abuse in the summer of 1990, when I first entered a specialized hospital unit for severely dissociated trauma survivors. I entered that unit because although I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, I was having awful, gory repetitive flashbacks that appeared to indicate that I might be a criminal occult ritual abuse survivor. I still was in denial of that possibility, however, because it meant having to accept that my father had also taken on the role of a high priest who did terrible things to me and other innocents in covert rituals.
Being in the presence of the other RA (ritual abuse) survivors at that hospital unit helped me to understand that I was not the only person this had been done to. It was, to a limited extent, my first "normalizing" experience. Although we were not allowed to tell each other our horror stories (I am grateful for that), I was able to recognize that the psychological effects of what they had endured were very similar to my own. I kept trying to go back into denial, though, and wanted to get away from the unit. It was too much reality for me. I didn’t want to believe that I was one of them, and I certainly didn’t like learning that I had MPD. When I returned home, I deliberately did not keep contact with any of the fellow patients who had been at that unit.
The next summer, I was in crisis (as usual: major depression, flashbacks, suicidal ideations) and checked into a different hospital unit in a different state. Although the personnel in this unit also worked with severely dissociated trauma survivors – particularly survivors of criminal occult ritual abuse – they were also open to the reality that other types of trauma could also create dissociation and other related symptoms in clients. As much as possible, I kept to myself. I had always been a loner and had no intention of changing. After several weeks, a new male patient checked into the unit. He couldn’t remember how he ended up there. One of my alter-states immediately recognized him, and knew that I had done covert ops with him in the past. He also recognized me. This is when the government memories first began to emerge. I didn’t understand how I could have been involved in covert operations, but the memories were vivid and clear, and I felt a very close, non-sexual connection with that man. He seemed to feel the same towards me. (Such feelings are not uncommon between former ops partners). He left the hospital unit just as unexpectedly as he’d arrived; his older brother checked him out. Although I have not seen him since then, being around him helped me to begin to remember, explore, and talk about that more hidden part of my life. I also met a female who remembered having done ops with me. Although I didn’t remember her, we did compare – through a staff member – certain memories of buildings and a certain perpetrator that seemed identical. She didn’t like me, and because she felt threatened by my presence, I stayed clear of her. We met again at a similar hospital unit a year later, and were able – with therapeutic help – to sit in a room and not want to attack each other. We were able to acknowledge that we had equally been victims in the past.
At home, I remembered the government activities for several more years before I joined an Internet deprogramming support group. As I communicated with the other members of that group, I was very careful to focus only on my own personal work. The other members helped me to feel halfway human for the first time in my life. With their encouragement, I realized that I might be able to deprogram all the way and even live a "normal" life someday. In that group, we did not focus on memories. Instead, we focused on what had been done to our minds to make us compliant towards the perpetrators who chose to control our minds and use us for illegal activities.
After several more years of recovery work, I sensed that I had remembered enough, and integrated enough, to know what I had experienced, and who had done what to me. At that point, I sensed that if I read other survivors’ stories, I would not take in details of their histories and adopt them as my own. I may never get to the point, however, where I am not bothered by other survivors’ stories. Part of my problem is that I’ve recovered enough of my own self and past to recognize the validity of many of their stories. I often get emotional as I realize that – here is another person who has been through pure hell, and has survived to tell someone about it. I am amazed at how so many of these individuals have been able to survive all that was done to them. To me, every one of them is a human miracle.